Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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