I should be sponsored by Trojan
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Randomize
