Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
the liver wants what the liver wants
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
Randomize
