remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
