There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
