he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
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My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
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I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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