I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize