The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
Randomize
