Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
tell your sister to shave her snatch
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
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