I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
