if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
its summer. and we all know college gfs do not count in summer.
college gfs dont count ever. theyre like getting corn rows in jamaica. you feel cool at the time. then you go home and people make fun of you.
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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