My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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