ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
