Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Randomize
