Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Randomize
