If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
My liver is preforming stress tests.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
You left your phone here
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