i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
