Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
