I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
