mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
