alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
