i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
I can't turn off my feet"
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Randomize
