The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
Randomize
