I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
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