I look better un-naked...
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
Randomize
