I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Randomize
