So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Randomize
