i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
