I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
