non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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