I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
Randomize
