i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
Randomize
