no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Drunk is not a location!
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
