I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
Randomize
