...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
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