I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
