who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
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I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
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