Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Randomize
