You guys coming?
We are smoking out the bouncer? But after that sure
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
Randomize
