I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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