update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
