you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
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