my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
