he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
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