my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Come on in and take your pants off
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize