A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Randomize
