just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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