I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
