i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
Randomize
