Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
