I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
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