Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Randomize
