i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
