I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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