my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
Randomize
