I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize
