Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
I DEMAND FORESKIN
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