i love accidental penises.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
