i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
Drunk is not a location!
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Randomize
