Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
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