the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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