There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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